Simon – Peter is a total stranger to me. I am only aware of his existence because of the Twitters. But he’s pretty funny on there, and pretty funny right here, so you should check him out. He also writes at Book Riot and like books or something. I think he has kids? Actually, I’m pretty sure he’s a spambot because the turnaround time on this article was downright post-human. Photos also by Peter.
This was a terrible idea. What the hell am I doing? “Wanna review a whiskey?” Simon said and I said yes and didn’t think about the fact that I don’t like whiskey anymore. Not since I drank a half a bottle of “Maple-Syrup-Finished Whiskey”. Hell, now even the smell of maple syrup turns my stomach, and I seem to have gone off regular whiskey too.
I am out of my mind.
Okay, let’s review a whiskey.
This is Black Velvet, Imported, Blended Canadian Whisky. So the first thing I’ve learned before cracking the bottle is that some are called whiskey and some are called whisky, the difference existing solely to screw with my brain. Anyway, I did a bunch of googling and they’re two different spellings and drinks and this is really getting complex and now I need a drink.
Agggghhhhhhhhh urggggggg oh my god why the shit did I agree to this I think my face just burned off. I don’t know why overdoing it on one specific-flavor whiskey has completely wrecked me for all other whiskys but…ahem…
I’m good. Okay. Let’s try saying some booze things here. You know, about the flavor. Let’s see. According to websites, this is “Not the best Canadian in the world” (an honor I assume is reserved for the great and fearsome Moose King who rules Canada from his ice fortress in Labrador) (I know a lot about the world you guys).
I’m also told it has a smooth taste. What does that mean? I have no idea, considering it kinda burns up the inside of your mouth, throat, and stomach if you’ve done something really clever and decided to write a whisky review without having eaten anything first. Also, I keep getting vague hints of maple syrup from this drink. Is that just me? Is it left-over scar tissue in my brain from the half-bottle of the other stuff I drank? Is it because the bottle says CANADA on the label and apparently I can’t operate outside of stereotypes? (“oh, it’s Canadian water? I can totally taste the maple syrup now!”)
I am going to die if I keep drinking this.
What if I just admit that maybe I don’t like whisky? Maybe I could tolerate it for a little while, but that’s it. But that’s hard to admit, because whiskey is cool! It’s on TV a lot. Really manly cool dudes talk about how they shared a really god whiskey and then they say words about whiskey which indicate to the rest of us that it’s super cool! (the rest of us sit and sip a Capri Sun pouch, staring starry-eyed at the television).
This review is doomed. I just don’t like whiskey, do I? Maybe I should try putting it into drinks but…no, I don’t have anything except a weird health smoothie and I’m not putting whiskey into that, that way lies madness. This isn’t working at all.
Okay, hang on.
This is a super good whiskey! Smooth and delicious, this particular variety comes in a pleasently sour strawberry flavor, which mixes very well with a range of juices and sodas, although as a modern man with my own beard and occasional lumberjacking, I prefer to put it into a shot glass and just knock it back because I don’t have time to mix drinks in between having fights with bikers and also causing panty-dropping among women (I’m sorry ladies. I don’t know why you’re carrying all of those, and I am very clumsy, especially after drinking so much TOTES WHISKEY)
I sure love whiskey! Especially this delicious whiskey! A lot of people can’t drink this one especially those assholes on the television who are all fancy and manly and stuff well you aren’t so fancy now are you television people
Here concludes my fancy review. In conclusion, that Black Velvet Whisky is ass-gravy and Totes Whiskey is the best stuffs for the best times. You heard it here first.