J&B Justerini & Brooks Rare Blended Scotch Whisky with Dan

“J&B is the worst” – Ryan.

I’m going to start by telling you how bad J&B tastes, because if it tasted good, it might be possible to excuse the rest of the badness associated with this product.  I’m not even linking to their website yet because I don’t want you reading ahead.

dan – honey, citrus, tonic tartness
simon – oak, worm wood, tequila-y

dan – big burn & wood
simon – alcohol. simple, a lot of burn & wood

dan – licorice, sweetness, cough syrup, mouth coating
simon – sweet, syrupy.

So, yeah, it’s basically boozed up treacle with oak.  But it gets way worse.

When I write a review, I look into the corporate-generated info and a few blogs for a bottle, to be a little more educated and bring some depth to this hobby/glorified problem drinking. Usually scotch sites are all pictures of lochs or the ocean and mountains and distilleries and what I’m assuming are glens.  Lots of older white guys staring into amber liquid-filled glasses and the occasional white lady hanging with the lads. It’s all very classic and authentic and genuine, whatever that means.

But not J&B.  J&B want you to know they’re The Party Whisky… excuse me, The Ultimate Party Whisky.  And by Party Whisky, they mean mixing whisky.  The people selling you the product admit wholeheartedly you need to buy other things to make this drinkable.  But mixing is like partying, right?  So.. Party Whisky, I guess. Epic branding attempt, anyway.

And man do they hammer this home.  The front page has 5 different party-specific links, says party about 10 times, and implores you:

It’s easy to realize party potential in everything.
To Start a Party, anywhere, anytime.
Be Spontaneous and say: ‘hey, let’s Start a Party’

…I don’t… I don’t want to party with these guys.  The english makes it seem like a sketchy some-kind-of-european dude wants to rob the only bank in Paris open on Bastille day, and we all know how that goes.

You might be thinking, “alright, so they’re trying to appeal to a younger demo, draw in new drinkers to the idea of drinking scotch.  They can grow those customers into lifelong drinkers if they progress the marketing along with them. It’s a longevity plan.” And more than likely you’d be right.  But then there’s this:

YOU CAN START A PARTY WITH STRANGERS, YOU GUYS! Especially when the guy on-stage with a mirrorball on his head (creatively named Mirrorball Man) is your Responsible Drinking Mascot.

So I’m not sure if Daft Punk Jr here is a robot disco ball given a human body or a human victim of a disco disaster, but somewhere along the way this sad creature came to life and needed work.  Where do you go when your face is 1000’s of tiny mirrors and your body is a terrifying yellow suit? What do you do when your only skill is to dance non-judgmentally with other societal outcasts?

The only thing you can do, obviously.  DANCE FOR BOOZE SAFETY.

Because *I* know, when I’m responsibly fit-shaced in a club, and things are starting to get real, I’m going to turn to the guy that looks like Dicky Barrett from The Mighty Mighty BossTones head-butt a lighting fixture to save my night. And his friends Space Urkel and Rappin’ Referee can come along too.

J&B Justerini & Brooks Rare Blended Scotch Whisky – 40% 750ml – $25.95 – Scotland



2 Replies to “J&B Justerini & Brooks Rare Blended Scotch Whisky with Dan”

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    /blog » Day 47 – J&B Rare Blended Scotch Whisky

    […] Read the review. It’s funny, I reference 90s band The Mighty Mighty BossTones. 16 Apr This entry was written by simon, posted on April 16, 2013 at 10:03 am, filed under /blog and tagged art365, Blended, Day 47, J&B, Rare, review, Scotch, Whisky. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post. Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL. View EXIF Data Browse Older: Day 46 – Software & Artifact This app, this phone. […]

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